smoke signals
I know it’s been a long while, but I think I’m finally ready to start sharing my poetry again. I actually just did an independent study in poetry last quarter, and I’m so glad I fought for it because I learned so much, and can see how much stronger my writing has gotten along the way. When I started writing this one I was thinking about my ex, but it kinda morphed into an exploration of how hard it is to let go of a relationship that feels so good and exciting, even when you see the signs early on that make it clear that this kind of relationship can’t be sustained. Smoke is always the first sign of danger when a fire is present, and when we see smoke in real life, it’s so crazy how instinctual it is for us to get the fuck out (unless you’re a sim lol… I had to do it). But I’ve come to realize with a lot of past relationships I’ve had, either romantically or non-romantically, even when I could feel the heat rising, and the smoke billowing, I never took the signals seriously until I had either been burned or suffocated by the other person. And in those moments, it’s so easy to want to blame the other person for the smoldering pile of embers you have left of the relationship, but if we are being real, how often did we also ignore our smoke detector intuition? I know I did way too many times. Acknowledgement is hard, especially in situations like this, but it’s something I think we all have to be willing to seek in order to heal and move on as better people.
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we started a fire in my bed
2 flames flickering
in the dead of night
billowing my bedsheets
burning red hot screams
into my pillows
so loud
I couldn’t hear the
smoke detector
or maybe
I didn’t want to
the heat from your stroke
sent sparks up my spine
setting synapses ablaze
slowly
a smoke screen stacked
before my eyes
in the shape of our bodies
so thick
I couldn’t see the
blazing red dot blinking
on the smoke detector
or maybe
I didn’t want to
I know I’m not supposed to play with fire
so I tried to fuck it instead
I tried to love it instead
I made a home for it
in my bed
in my head
all while ignoring
the burning in my ears
the scalding tears
smoky mascara streaks
dripping down my cheeks
the weighty creak
from your midnight retreat
the bitter scent of loneliness
lingering
in the salt & charcoal stained air
the speckles of smoke sauntering
against the last slivers of moonlight
just before
the truth of the matter
had a chance to dawn on me
tangled
in my scorched sheets &
charbroiled memories
I lay in my fire pit
alone
synapses smoldering
my mind
the weight of a ton of coal
just seconds from crumbling
crackling embers
I can’t bring myself to
stomp out
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