Real Talk Love Therapy: EP 3- What Is The Best/Worst Way To Ask Someone Out
So check it... I (Daysha) was working out at the gym a few weeks ago. I was specifically on the treadmill, with my earbuds popped in, probably listening to some Cardi B or Demi Lovato song to hype up me through my 30 min morning walk.
And then out of the corner of my eye I see some guy starting to walk towards me…
I see that he wants to speak with me, so I pop out one earbud assuming that he wants to know when I'll be done with the treadmill.
But of course the first thing I hear out of his mouth is "You know I think you're that underrated kind of cute..."
And all I could think was "lawd it is TOO EARLY to be having these shenanigans!"
And after I let him carry on with his slightly offensive diatribe about how no one else in the world could appreciate my beauty the way he did, he finally went in for the ask.
Since I was in a relationship at the time, I declined the offer and let him know that I was boo'ed up already.
But then he did the thing that I'll never understand why people do it…
After expressing romantic interest in me, and being declined, he then tried to ask for my number... as "friends."
I *obviously* also had to say no because I knew that's not what he really wanted to do. As my best friends from Botswana would say, this so-called "friendship" would just be him putting a young marinade on me to wiggle his way in between my relationship.
So for this week's episode, I wanted to talk about what are some of the best ways to hit on someone…
What are some of the worst ways to hit on someone (hint: it definitely involves touching a woman by herself on the street at night)...
And why is it so hard for us to handle rejection?
So don't miss out on all of the #RealTalk happening on the #RTLT couch this week!
Conversation Highlights:
Daysha opens the episode talking about her gym incident, to which Eli says that the guy saw Daysha as the Laney Boggs character in She's All That.
Eli talks about how hearing the phrase "men are trash" used to offend him (Daysha would say triggered), but that now with so many lady friends in his life telling him about their horrific dating experiences, he's starting to be understand about the phrase.
Eli thinks it might be because of guys having low confidence in the outcome of asking women out. So they shoot their shot with the "might-as-well-do-whatever-since-she's-never-gonna-say-yes" attitude. This frustrates Daysha, who could totally see this answer being the case, but being a psych nerd, also brings up the impact of self-fulfilling prophecy theory.
“So if you go into that situation saying ‘oh I’m probably never gonna get it with this girl so let me just do it in whatever which way I want to cuz it’s never gonna happen... There’s a good chance it’s not going to happen because you went into it with the mindset that it was never going to happen.”
Daysha is tired of guys asking her out at inopportune times in her life, with the expectation that she's supposed to drop everything, or hear them out when she's clearly stated she's not into the idea of the relationship. Eli believes that toxic masculinity, and some of the role models men have are to blame.
Eli talks about how the "nice guys" are too shy about asking women out for the fear of being rejected, and how assholes are giving men overall a bad rep. He has just recently started to be more assertive when picking up women, and he talks about how his fear of rejection was holding him back for a long time.
Daysha talks about how she enjoys asking men out because she feels like it gives her more power, and allows her to maintain a sense of respect that she feels like she looses when men ask her out. But with women asking men out not being a popular cultural practice, she still finds herself being asked out disrespectfully.
“The way that you ask me out is already going to tell me [about] the nature of the relationship. Because if you ask me out disrespectfully then there’s a good chance you’re probably going to treat me disrespectfully throughout the relationship.”
Daysha talks about a few other unpleasant encounters that involved men not accepting her no, mumbling, and touching her unwarrantedly late at night. Prior to being boo'ed up, she always hated how she felt like she couldn't reject guys with the basis being that she just wasn't into dating at that moment, and that the only way men would respect her no is if she mentioned being in a relationship with another man (with sometimes not even that working).
Eli likes to offer up his number to the girl he's interested in to help lessen the fear of unwanted/disrespectful messages. He also likes to, what he calls "plant seeds of interest" in the minds of the women he's interested in, to which Daysha interprets as...
Eli feels like the best way to talk to women is overall to be direct. Daysha agrees, but brings up the French female celebrities who were against the #MeToo movement because they think it's sexy for men to be aggressive towards them, and that the #MeToo movement is killing romance. She wonders if it will ever be possible to make consent sexy?
“Just learn how to take no as no. Otherwise tomorrow you’re just gonna be that weirdo creepy guy that all of her friends are gonna talk about at brunch the next day.”