What Exactly Is A Friend?: How To Clearly Define This Vague Relationship in Our Lives
Hi Queens!
Welcome to my new Friendship 101 series where I dig deep into the topic of friendship.
For my first post, I decided to go back to the basics and really dig into the word “friend''.
What exactly does it mean to be a “friend” to someone? And why is having friends so important to us?
What is a friend?
I love to ground my understanding of a term by checking out what the dictionary says.
Merriam-Webster defines a friend as:
A person who you like and enjoy being with
A person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)
One attached to another by affection or esteem
One that is not hostile
One that is of the same nation, party, or group
Vocabulary.com defines a friend as:
Your buddy, your pal, your amigo, your comrade; you know, someone you trust and like enough to hang out with on a regular basis
A person you know well and regard with affection and trust
An associate who provides cooperation or assistance
A person with whom you are acquainted
A person who backs a politician or a team etc.
So, as you can see from these various definitions, there are a bunch of different ways to view the word “friend,” which I actually believe is one of the biggest failures of the English language.
Because a “friend” can be defined as a person with whom you like and trust and also be considered just a person with whom you are acquainted, it’s no wonder that so many people today feel like they have no real friends.
We currently use the word “friend” as a catch all for all the close and the vague relationships we have in our lives that are not familial or sexual.
There is a huge lack of clarity around what it actually means to be a friend to someone. And this lack of clarity is what contributes to us feeling like we have no real solid social connections in our lives.
So, to fix that, I’d love to create a new definition for the word “friend.”
Looking at the definitions above, the words that really stand out to me are:
Trust
Enjoyment
Affection
Communal interests
Support/assistance
Regular interaction/Presence
In addition to these words, I also see friends as being people who:
Show up when we need them
Have a generosity of spirit; offer you their time, their love and their energy in an altruistic manner
Have a sense of curiosity about you and your life
Can be lovelingly honest
You feel comfortable to be your truest self around them
Respect you
So, taking all of these words into consideration, I would define a friend as:
A person whose presence we have come to trust, enjoy and find comfort in being around on a regular basis due to the generosity and consistency of their behaviors/actions in our greatest time of need or hurt; thus we have deemed them worthy of our time, our love, our respect, our curiosity, our honesty, our assistance and our energy.
“Because a “friend” can be defined as a person with whom you like and trust and also be considered just a person with whom you are acquainted, it’s no wonder that so many people today feel like they have no real friends.
We currently use the word “friend” as a catch all for all the close and the vague relationships we have in our lives that are not familial or sexual.”
Ok, so now that we have clarity on what it means to be a friend, let’s work on getting clarity for this other vague relationship that has been living under the word “friend”.
These are the people in your life whom you know–perhaps you run in the same circle of friends and you have hung out a few times.
You may have had a few conversations that were interesting, and you leave each other nice comments on your IG photos, but when you really think about it, you either don’t actually know much about them or you don’t find them to be reliable or trustworthy.
You just know that when you see them it is usually a pleasant and fun interaction, but they also wouldn’t be the first person you call if you got into a sticky situation.
For me, I would call this type of relationship a “homie.”
What is a homie?
A homie is someone with whom you can get along with great, and maybe you do enjoy spending time around them, but you would not consider them a friend because maybe they are a bit unreliable in your time of need or they aren’t great at keeping secrets.
But you do enjoy going to dance parties with them or you find that you both have a common interest that you love talking about together.
These kinds of peripheral relationships are totally ok to have in our lives, and in a lot of ways, they are important to have because humans need social relationships to thrive.
But, again, it’s important to understand which role a person plays in your life so that you know what to expect of them as well as who it’s appropriate to call out if you feel that they are falling short of being your friend
So, just to recap–
A friend is a person whose presence we have come to trust, enjoy and find comfort in being around on a regular basis due to the generosity and consistency of their behaviors/actions in our greatest time of need or hurt; thus we have deemed them worthy of our time, our love, our respect, our curiosity, our honesty, our assistance and our energy.
Whereas a homie is someone with whom we enjoy spending time and having fun interactions, but that we don’t rely on as much due to a lack of trust or depth in the relationship; thus they are people who we do not have to feel obligated to offer our assistance or energy to if we don’t have the capacity to do so.
And then just to make this clear, if someone in your life does not respect you, they belittle or demean you (especially in a joking manner), they don’t respect your boundaries or they constantly make you uncomfortable around them…
THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND OR YOUR HOMIE. THEY ARE AN ASSHOLE WHO NEEDS TO BE KICKED TO THE CURB.
Remember that whether or not they are a friend or a homie, the time you spend with them needs to bring you some form of pleasure or enjoyment.
And if you get absolutely no enjoyment from being around them – they gots ta go!
But we can talk more about that process later because I know it’s not easy. But it is possible and you will be a stronger and happier person for it.
Friendship 101 Exercise:
Now that we have defined what a friend and a homie are, think about the various non-sexual/familial relationships you have in your life. What category would you put these relationships in and why?
When doing this exercise, be honest with yourself about where a person actually stands in your life versus what they have the potential to be or where you would actually want them to be.
And remember, being a homie is not a bad or negative thing. This exercise is not a form of ranking your relationships. It is just meant to help you see what relationships are worth going the extra mile and what relationships might not need as much of your energy/attention.
Did you find this post to be helpful?
Let me know in the comments!