5 Signs Your Friendship Has Become Imbalanced
Hi Queens!
Welcome to my new Friendship 101 series where I dig deep into the topic of friendship.
Given that the pandemic and the recent political climate has either challenged or strained many of our interpersonal relationships, I decided to go back to the basics and explore:
What is friendship?
Why is it so important to us?
And how can we either make better decisions about our friendships and/or be a better friend to the people whom we call friends?
Within my first post in the series, I did a deep dive on the word “friend” and discovered that the definition is actually quite vague.
So, I decided to redefine it; I added some much needed clarity into the other interpersonal relationships that we create that were being squished under the word “friend,” but that I don’t think belong there.
For this week’s post, now that we have a true understanding of what a friend is, I wanted to call attention to the “close” relationships in our lives that feel like friendship, but are actually not what they seem.
What is a Faux Friend?
Faux friends are the people that we have in our lives that we accidentally extend the privileges and benefits of friendship to because…
The person has made it seem like, usually through their words, that they would like to take the relationship to that next level, or…
We like the person so much, despite not knowing enough about them, that we give them the title of friend without actually doing our due diligence on whether or not they would make a good friend to us.
Remember that in my previous post, some of the keywords that we outlined as being crucial to defining a friend were:
Trust
Enjoyment
Affection
Communal interests
Support/assistance
Regular interaction/Presence
The problem with faux friends is that oftentimes they reap the benefits of being friends with you–they know they can trust and depend on you to be there for them.
But, over time, you start to realize that they do not extend the same benefits to you. You find that when you need them, there is less of a commitment on their part of showing up for you or making their presence known during a time of struggle.
Now, realistically speaking, even the closest of friends don’t have the capacity to always be there for one another in their time of need.
But a true friend will always find a way to make sure that their presence/desire to be there for you is known, and that, at the very least, they are thinking of you during your time of need.
A faux friend, on the other hand, might not get back to you for a while or when they do get back to you, their response might feel lacking in the emotional support that you’re seeking.
A faux friend might also constantly remind you of how you’ve been such an amazing friend to them and how much they appreciate the way that you show up for them, which can make you feel good in the moment.
However, if you don’t feel that the same amount of attention or energy is being poured into your cup when you need replenishment, then this might not be a true friendship.
And faux friendships can be even harder to detect when the reason why we called them a friend in the first place is due to how much we wanted them to be our friend, rather than looking at if they displayed the actions of a true friend.
How to identify + deal with the Faux Friends in Our Lives
When I was in college, I met a girl that I really liked and very much wanted to make my friend. And to my greatest desires, we actually became really good friends–in fact, what we called “best friends.”
But the reason why I put “best friends” in quotation marks is because it wasn’t until the 3rd year of our friendship that I started paying attention to the ways in which this friendship didn’t sit well with me.
I found that whenever this person needed help or assistance, whether that was having a late night chat over relationship drama or helping them move their stuff out of their dorm room, I was always someone that they not only asked to be there, but also expected me to be there for them. And given that I take my friendships seriously, and have always wanted to be a good friend to others, I lovingly took up the call to be that dependable friend.
Me in college
But when I started dealing with real shit in my life–from getting a crazy debilitating illness to needing help with storing and moving my own things when I decided to make the move to Los Angeles after graduation, I found my “best friend” making excuse after excuse for why she couldn’t be there for me and expecting me to be ok with them.
It wasn’t until the move to Los Angeles, which was 4 years into our relationship, that I came to the realization that this was not a true friendship.
Yes, I know that this person cared about me and we always had a good time together. But this person had shown me time and again that they either had no interest or no capacity to be there for me.
And it was in that moment that I realized that the relationship that never really was what it seemed was over.
I haven’t spoken to this person since college and to be honest, I feel like I am a much better person for it.
Much to my surprise, it didn’t crush me to move away from the relationship.
What actually hurt me the most was seeing how long it took me to honor my intuition, which had been going off for a while that something wasn’t right about this relationship. And for that, I fumed for a while at how stupid I was for making myself so available to someone who could never offer me the same energy but who expected it–if not, demanded, it from me.
But, as I reflect on this relationship, again, I can only say that I feel so much wiser for what I learned.
Yes, we may come into contact with some cool and interesting people in our lives that we would love to build a deeper relationship with. But, as I have learned the hard way, you cannot build true and lasting relationships without seeing that person for who they really are.
I don’t think that this former friend had malicious intentions with our relationship. I don’t think that her goal was to use me.
I just think that I was someone who was so eager to have friends that I didn’t really allow myself to see and properly address the unhealthy parts of our relationship until it was too late.
Faux Friend Checklist
Think you might have a faux friend or two in your inner circle?
Here is my checklist for how to identify if someone close to you is actually a faux friend:
Does this person put great expectations on you to be there for them in their time of need, but rarely make themselves available when you are experiencing struggle?
Answering yes to this question shows that there is either or conscious or unconscious power imbalance in the relationship that is not healthy. Remember that true friendship is built on the basis of mutual support.
Does this person always look to you for guidance or to listen/dissect their problems but does not give you the same room or attention to process your own feelings/issues?
Answering yes to this question shows that there is not mutual respect and/or curiosity within the relationship that can lead to one party feeling constantly drained by the other. Remember that true friendship is built on an equal sense of interest and curiosity in one another’s lives and problems.
Does this person shower you in compliments or appreciation about how good of a friend you are to them?
To me, this is a red flag because the flattery can distract you from paying attention to the fact that they don’t hold up their end of the friendship. Take a minute to reflect on all the ways in which this person has been a good friend to you over the course of your relationship? Can you recall moments in which they either showed up for you when you needed them or offered you support on an endeavor? Keep in mind that for this exercise, you are only counting what they have done, not what they said they would do or have offered to do.
Do you find yourself either consciously or unconsciously withholding information from them?
Answering yes to this question demonstrates that on some conscious or unconscious level you either do not trust them or that you do not feel like there is room for you to be your authentic self in your communication. Remember that true friendship is built around trust, comfort and authenticity.
Do you find yourself struggling to get them to acknowledge your friendship in a public way (ie. posting photos of the two of you together or sharing your accomplishments online)?
To me, this is also a red flag because it demonstrates that there is a difference in perception of the friendship. A true friend isn’t going to have an issue with acknowledging your friendship in a public way because your relationship has a significant meaning to them.
Now keep in mind that if you discover that someone close to you is actually a faux friend, this does not have to lead to the end of the relationship. Unlike a fake friendship, where that person’s intent is likely to use you for all that you’re worth, a faux friend is a situation in which there is a power imbalance in the relationship.
Again, if you still find that you enjoy being around them or you have a common interest that you like talking about/doing with them, then I think you should totally maintain the relationship–with boundaries.
People like this sound like they are actually homies, which is what I define as a more peripheral relationship where you both like to spend time together, but you do not feel the same sense of obligation to meet each other’s needs.
With a homie, there is a mutual understanding that this is a no-strings-attached relationship. If you can be there for each other, then sure. But if you can’t, it’s no big deal because both parties understand that there is not as deep an investment in the relationship or a sense of responsibility about meeting each other’s needs.
Whereas with a faux friend, there is either a clear imbalance or a misunderstanding about the depth and level of investment in the relationship.
Bottom line: It’s unhealthy to feel pressured or obligated to meet the needs of people who have no intention of offering you the same energy or that lack the capability to do so.
Again, that doesn’t mean you have to terminate the relationship if you don’t want to.
But by learning how to see the relationship for what it is early on in its development, and establishing boundaries to protect your energy and emotions, you can not only decrease the amount of faux friends you have in your life, but you can also give yourself back more emotional bandwidth to build long lasting relationships with people that are actually worth your time, love and energy.
Did you find this post helpful?
YAAASS! Please feel free to let me know down in the comments.